Session 1

This morning while I was going into my mind. I don't call it "out of my mind" cause I'm actually going into it. Anyway, I realised that I needed a forum for the darkside of my mind. Behind this happy face that appears each day are some sorry, God awful thoughts that no one ever really hears. Some I may express through my dark humor sometimes but mostly they are kept deep down in the dark crevices of my mind.

One thought I had this morning, one I often have, as I pulled up to the intersection to turn right, I looked to see if it was clear. A cement truck was coming down the street, I thought...what if I pull right out in front of it. As he got closer, I quickly realised I had missed my chance. He was coming down the street, a bit downhill, looking for something on the floor or something because he wasn't a short driver as I had first thought. As he sat up straight he passed me and I pulled out behind him. I thought...If I had lived, he could have been blamed because he had been distracted. Although, I might be half dead...I would own a cement company.

Mornings are the toughest for me. Sleep is more like a 3 day drunk for me, not a soft, refreshing place. But sleep is what I want to do most because although sleep can not turn off my mind it can cloud it up for a while and while I sleep, I am not responsible for my thoughts. So when I wake in the morning it is as though I am crawling and clawing my way out of a deep crevise from the night, all foggy and hot. I use to be such a cheery person in the morning, excited for each new day. Now I wake, exhausted and sore, as though I was running from a train that caught up with me and ran me over. Mornings produce much of the darkness that run rampant in my head.