Session 2

Well, it nearly a year since my first post. Sometimes my good ideas never develop into much. So here's try 2.

Today, I thought about how stupid I was to get married nearly 15 yrs ago. I haven't been feeling well these last 2 days and I just wanted to go home and rest. I thought about how if I wasn't married I could go home and rest; get up later and maybe eat a bowl of cereal; watch a little tv or whatever. I went further to think that even though I am overweight and don't feel pretty at all...men are such pigs I could probably have a half dozen goof balls happy to hear from me if I wanted a little ah, male company.

In fact, I realise lately that it's hard taking care of two people. I have always been somewhat an independent person who tends to spoil the men in my life and take care of them. Well, I'm getting too old for that kind of stuff. I tease my husband because I watch all the CSI's and Forensic shows that I'm gathering info to get rid of him. But, I don't plan on doing it. But, no and then I think about life as me not me & him.

Session 1

This morning while I was going into my mind. I don't call it "out of my mind" cause I'm actually going into it. Anyway, I realised that I needed a forum for the darkside of my mind. Behind this happy face that appears each day are some sorry, God awful thoughts that no one ever really hears. Some I may express through my dark humor sometimes but mostly they are kept deep down in the dark crevices of my mind.

One thought I had this morning, one I often have, as I pulled up to the intersection to turn right, I looked to see if it was clear. A cement truck was coming down the street, I thought...what if I pull right out in front of it. As he got closer, I quickly realised I had missed my chance. He was coming down the street, a bit downhill, looking for something on the floor or something because he wasn't a short driver as I had first thought. As he sat up straight he passed me and I pulled out behind him. I thought...If I had lived, he could have been blamed because he had been distracted. Although, I might be half dead...I would own a cement company.

Mornings are the toughest for me. Sleep is more like a 3 day drunk for me, not a soft, refreshing place. But sleep is what I want to do most because although sleep can not turn off my mind it can cloud it up for a while and while I sleep, I am not responsible for my thoughts. So when I wake in the morning it is as though I am crawling and clawing my way out of a deep crevise from the night, all foggy and hot. I use to be such a cheery person in the morning, excited for each new day. Now I wake, exhausted and sore, as though I was running from a train that caught up with me and ran me over. Mornings produce much of the darkness that run rampant in my head.